


Earth is the Loneliest Planet

by neworld



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Misunderstandings, Rejection, Relationship(s), asexual author, trying AND failing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neworld/pseuds/neworld
Summary: Jon and Georgie's relationship and breakup from Jon's perspective. This is a companion to my other fic Gladioli but you don't need to read both.CW. This fic is about Georgie not being great about Jon's asexuality and that is why their relationship breaks down.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Earth is the Loneliest Planet

**Author's Note:**

> I found it a lot harder to write this from Jon's POV because that is how I experienced things like this and it really took me back to that point in my life. It was cathartic though. In this fic Jon is asexual with no interest in sex or kissing at all, but it takes him a while to work that out. If this doesn't fit anyone's head cannon for Jon that's fine. I projected real hard on Jon in this story.

Georgie wasn't Jon first relationship, but she was the first he person he really loved. He had suspected for a long time that there was something different about him. Going through puberty it seemed like everyone around him suddenly became obsessed with sex. It was all they talked about. At first the idea that any of them might actually have sex seemed unlikely and far in the future. So Jon didn't really worry about it. It was irritating how often his friends discussed it because he found the topic a little boring but other than that he didn't really care. 

When he was 15 a friend of his had discovered foreign movies on BBC late at night often featured nudity. So they all began staying up to watch them. Jon found he actually loved this as the movies were so different from the typical murder mysteries he watched with his grandmother. At school his friends would discuss the films they had seen the previous night. Jon's friends were entirely concerned with the nudity and sex scenes. But Jon liked to talk about the other themes and the plot of the movie more. He didn't care that his friends like the sex stuff most, it just never seemed like the most interesting part of the film to him.

"Honestly Sims, it's like you don't even notice the boobs." One friend had joked after Jon had been rambling about the latest movie for the past 10 minutes and not mentioned sex or nudity once.

"Yeah what's deal? Are you gay?" Another boy asked.

They teased him about it a bit. Jon was torn between calling them out for homophobia and remaining blandly invisible which was much safer. He went with the former and was labelled gay for the rest of his school days. He didn't care, he didn't care what they thought of him and it wasn't like they didn't have plenty of other things to tease him about anyway. It did make him wonder though, if they were correct. Was he gay? How did a person find out something like that? Would he just know?

When Jon thought about it the prospect of sex with a man seemed no more appealing than sex with a woman. One horrible, awkward night his grandmother caught him looking at gay porn on the computer. Staring at the images and trying to feel something other than vague apprehension. He was _supposed_ to feel something. It made him feel lacking that he didn't. It made him feel anxious. His grandmother was furious and disgusted with him and he was grounded and forbade to use the computer for 2 weeks.

The only thing he learnt from the incident was that if he did turn out to be gay his grandmother would very much not be ok with it. 

Through his late teens he had a series of fairly short relationships and awkward, uncomfortable sexual experiences with girls. He never seemed to act or feel the way they expected him too. He felt like he wasn't quite enough for anyone, he felt emasculated, he felt broken. 

Maybe he was gay after all? He tried dating men but found the exact same problems, eventually his partner, regardless of gender, would interpret his lack of sexual interest as rejection and then they would either be hurt, sometimes angry. The problem wasn't gender, the problem was clearly him, and he had no idea what to do about it.

He had always been kind of prickly and opinionated but he found himself putting up more and more of a wall around himself. This was exacerbated by his generally poor ability to gage social cues. He often would think a person was his friend or that he was having a perfectly normal, enjoyable conversation with someone, only to find out that person was hitting on him and was now annoyed that he had led them on, or wasted their time. He was called stuck up. He was called a snob. He was called a prude. At first it was hurtful but over time he just accepted it, this was what he was like and this was how people saw him and he couldn't do anything about it. He added it like a brick to his wall. 

But Georgie was different. Georgie drew him out of his shell slowly with kindness and patience. Georgie was so gentle and considerate of his boundaries. Georgie cared about him in a way no one ever really had. Letting him ramble on about his latest hyper-fixation, worrying about his health, encouraging him to take better care of himself. It made him feel safe and valued.

When they had first met Jon never even considered anything romantic could happen between them. Georgie was so pretty, and fun and vibrant. He doubted she would have any time for him once they were no longer forced together by circumstance. But this wasn't the case. The more they were together the more she sought him out, integrated him into her life. It was confusing that she seemed to like him more over time rather than less. Her face started to stand out to him among all others, as if lit by a glow that only illuminated her. 

Once he realised how much he liked her he became terrified that he would ruin it. He knew he would probably mess everything up as soon as their relationship became physical. He lay awake at night berating himself that the thought of sex with Georgie only gave him trepidation that he would lose her. He had managed to convince himself that it was his general lack of trust in other people that was the problem. So now that he was with a person he truly loved and trusted everything should be fine. His body should go through some kind of amazing transformation like a Disney princess. But obviously that didn't happen, he was still exactly the same.

He did feel a glimmer of hope it might be ok anyway. Georgie didn't seem particularly interested in sex either so maybe it wasn't important. Georgie seemed to really appreciate the ways he _was_ able to show her he loved her. It made him hope that she would accept the parts of him that had always been found lacking, that he could be enough. And he was...

Until he wasn't...

It started slowly, small things at first. 

She was annoyed that he didn't introduce her to his grandmother. He didn't know how to explain it, that the mix of different cultures, generations and religious beliefs would make their meeting overwhelming and Jon didn't think he could handle the stress. Jon felt like he was already too much for Georgie to have to put up with. This would just be one more awkward, difficult thing. 

Jon began to feel a little self-conscious of the fact that Georgie's friends and family didn't like him. He brushed it off at first, he didn't care what other people thought. But there is only so many times he could overhear friends marveling over the fact that Georgie had chosen him, when she could have had anyone, or openly wondering what she saw in him, before he started to wonder this himself. Georgie was so much better than him, and one day she was bound to notice.

Then sex became a problem. Of course it did. It always did.

Georgie was gradually growing more open and confident in her own sexuality. He didn't want to do anything to ruin it for her. It was wonderful for her. He wanted to respond in kind. He longed for it. But it wasn't something he seemed to have any control over. 

He could tell it was bothering her long before she bought it up. He lay awake at night beside her looking at her soft, sleeping face and wondering why he couldn't just be normal. 

He didn't know how to explain himself, he didn't know what to say that she would accept, that would make her not feel rejected, that would make everything alright again. So he tried to fake it. She saw right through him and eventually she cornered him about it.

"You're not attracted to me are you." She demanded one night.

"I think you are beautiful." He told her, earnestly because it was true, he did. But he felt miserable because he knew she wasn't talking about beauty, he knew they couldn't put it off any longer and now she would know how broken he was.

"Then why don't you want to have sex with me?" She pressed.

He felt frozen, he didn't know how to even begin to explain himself to her.

"Please just be honest." She begged.

"Whatever it is we can deal with it."

He sighed miserably.

"I don't know." He told her honestly.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." he admitted. 

He could just make out her concerned face in the dull light. The sheen of tears in her eyelashes. He felt so guilty, Georgie didn't deserve this. She deserved better than him.

"It's ok." She told him, running a hand through his hair to comfort him. 

He melted under her touch.

"We'll work it out." She assured him.

But then she seemed to focus on the idea that it must be a medical problem. Which Jon thought was absurd, he was perfectly healthy. But eventually he conceded it was worth looking in to. Jon hated seeing doctors, he was a very private person and found the process horrible invasive. The results all showed him to be perfectly healthy. He had known in his heart it wasn't a physical problem, the conformation was bitter sweet. He was healthy so that was a good thing but he was determined to do his best for Georgie and he was almost hoping that the doctors would find a problem, that they would be able to give him some pills or suggest some small surgery that would fix him.

"It could be a mental health reason." Georgie suggested next.

It was logical, and Jon knew he wasn't exactly normal mentally either. But he was scared about what would happen when they ran out of possibilities, when they had to accept he was just a problem with no answer.

"Georgie..." Jon began.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of." She reassured him.

And he knew she meant it, she was such a caring person.

"I know, I just...I don't think that's what it is..." He tried to explain, but he barely understood himself.

"Then what?" Georgie asked.

"I-I don't know. I think I'm just like this." He told her.

She opened up about how rejected she felt, that he made her feel unattractive and unwanted. That he made her feel like a slut. He was horrified. He didn't feel that way about her at all. So he quickly agreed to see a therapist. 

Therapy was interesting. Not at all like he imagined. He had felt awkward and frightened at first. But then he realised it was just like having a conversation about things you weren't usually allowed to talk openly about. It was nice.

"Have you ever considered..." The therapist asked him.

"...that it's fine for you to feel the way you do?"

"But it's not." Jon argued. 

"It's always been a problem." 

In general Jon found therapy to be interesting and useful. He learnt a lot, he found the advice useful. It did seem to confirm though, that his problem with sex was the not result of metal illness.

He wondered briefly if he should just lie to Georgie. Tell her it was a psychological issue. At least that would be something she could understand and accept. But he quickly dismissed this. He was terrible at lysing and Georgie would see right through him. Besides, she deserved the truth. 

He kept putting of talking about it directly. AS soon as they did it would be real and unavoidable. Jon was terrified of what Georgie would do once she knew this wasn't a problem she could help fix, an obstacle to overcome, this was just who he was, probably forever. 

Things came to a head one night when they were lying in bed together and suddenly Georgie threw off the covers and got up, snapping on the light and glaring at Jon hotly.

Jon blinked at her in surprise like a startled nocturnal animal, he had not been excepting a confrontation.

"How can you expect me to go on like this? How can you expect me to stay faithful?" She demanded.

Jon felt dazed and bewildered. He had been half asleep, enjoying their closeness. He didn't know she had been thinking about other people. He didn't know how to feel about it.

"I never asked you to." Jon snapped at her.

"You want me to leave? Is that what you're saying?" She snapped back.

Jon felt cold, sick fear when she said this. Because he knew it was only a matter of time now. This was the pattern he had always experienced. He had just been kidding himself it would be any different this time. It had only lasted so long because Georgie was so kind and understanding.

"No I just don't want you to be unhappy." He told her.

"Then why aren't you trying?" She asked.

This felt horribly unfair to Jon because he felt like he had been trying very hard.

"This is just what I'm like, this is what I've always been like, probably what I will always be like. It's like that part of me just...never happened, I wouldn't even know how to try to be different." He tried to explain. 

_Why should I have to be different? _A bitter, helpless voice inside him asked.

When they first started dating Georgie had been worried her need for space an quiet, her touch aversion would be an issue. He remembered how grateful and happy she had been that it wasn't. 

"Why can't you just accept me like this?" Jon asked, upset.

"I accepted you."

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Her face clouded with anger. 

"You knew then didn't you." She accused. "I bet you were so relieved that I didn't want sex back then, I bet you thought you'd hit the jackpot, found the perfect girl." She told him.

This hurt, it felt like she was accusing him of some kind of perversion, that he was seeking out people with trauma because it suited him sexually. 

"I thought I'd found some one who could accept me." He snapped at her.

"How could I accept you when you weren't even honest with me, I didn't even know." She scowled.

She had him there, he hadn't been honest with her. He hadn't even really been honest with himself. It stung because it felt like another version of being caused a tease, of being accused of leading a person on, wasting their time.

Jon got up and began dressing with stiff angry movements. He was upset and overwhelmed and it encouraged him to say things he regretted later.

"Well if I'm so horrible to be around, if I'm soooo hard for you to put up with maybe I should just leave?" He told her, his tone dripping with sarcasm and disdain..

"Oh so you're just giving up?" She hissed. "Just like that? You don't even want to try."

Jon found his suitcase and began haphazardly piling in his belongings. 

"Try to do what?" He snapped back. "Be a different person?"

They argued for the rest of the night while Jon frantically packed all his things. All the unsaid grievances over the years dragged up and raked over with bitter anger and resentment.

"How can you just leave after everything we created together?" She asked him. "Our house, The Admiral, you're just walking away from it all."

"This isn't me just leaving." Jon told her, laughing nastily at the absurdity of the idea. 

"This is me pushed to the limit of what I can handle. You keep pushing me out of my comfort zone to suit yours. Then preemptively blaming me for you being unfaithful...I just...I know I've let you down but honestly Georgie, I thought you were better than that."

He went to stay in a hostel for a few weeks while he searched for a new flat. it occurred to him that Georgie would struggle to pay the rent in their old flat alone so he sent her a message assuring her he would keep paying half the rent until she found a flat-mate to share expenses. 

She sent him a lot of texts. Some angry and hurtful. Some apologetic and reproachful. Some concerned. He ignored them all. He knew that he was behaving badly, that ghosting on someone you had been so close with was wrong. But he couldn't bring himself to speak to her again. 

Years later, alone and near delirious with stress and shock he found himself a the door to their old apartment, as if by muscle memory. He wasn't sure if she still lived there, he wasn't sure that she would let him in if she did. 

But to his relief it was Georgie who answered the door. She stared at him in shock for a moment.

"Jon?" She said softly. 

"Are you alright?"

He realised he must look terrible. He hadn't been taking care of himself for weeks. He knew he had dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. And he had just spent the day being chased around by murderous supernatural creatures. He was probably looking a bit disheveled. 

"I...um...I'm sorry to just drop in on you like this but I need a place to stay for a few days while I work things out." He told her, cringing internally at how inadequate this sounded as an explanation. 

But to his surprise she ushered him in without further questions.

"Of coarse Jon." She told him. "You are always welcome here."


End file.
